If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien
"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde
“Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, '...you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry
Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased
